date:5/20/2026

    This is the first diary of this website, and also the first diary in May 2026. As I'm logging this diary to only realized that today is 5/20, at this moment 12:34 PM.    

    After a long suffering wait, I finally got my employment pass and come back to Malaysia. For a place that I've been happily staying for 4 years and rarely thought about go back to my hometown, this time, right now, I'm not happy to be here and I start longing to go back home...

    I wanna go home, now I'm surrounded by familiar smells, familiar furnitures, familiar face, familiar sadness. The things and people used to make me stay without hesitation, now only letting me aware that I don't belong here. Maybe, is you that don't belong to me, I always have that thought since the first day, there's a lot of things that I'm looking for an answer to

    What kind of person I am in your eyes? Am I stupid? Am I useless to you? I don't know why you don't value my words and suggestions, I don't know why you don't want me to help, I don't know why you don't want to tell me what you're doing and what's the business that stressing you out...

    So I try to find myself the answer, the answer that hurts, thr answer I refuse to believe. I am not as good as her, in terms of capability, I can't help you with your work, you don't believe in me anyway like I can only say something dumb, and I guess this is the reason why I'm not in any of your group chats as she has. You wouldn't even think about me, think about that I could be important to you, I could be helpful. You don't believe in me... you don't. You always deny my worth.

    You don't really know me, never truly understand me, you always say that I'm hard to guess and you don't have time to guess what's going on with others. But do you know a truth like this is harsh enough to breaks both of us? What am I doing all this for? To find a job that I don't really like, to give up my time just for the stupid visa, to waste my life of pursuing my career and makes you think I'm a useless person. Is this what you think about me? Is this what I finally receive after decided to stay with you? If not, please tell me what is all this for.

date:06/01/2026

I feel so tired, I'm not happy, I wanna go home.

I don't like my job, I hate this job... they are so mean, I rather have a job that works 9-5 in office, at least I can have some time for myself, at least I can breath...

date:06/03/2026

I wanna go home, I always thought that there will be two people of you and me next time when I leave this country go back to my hometown for a short while. I don't know, maybe it will never happened. I'm too tired to make a wish, I hope you can see me, feel me, to notice I am devoured by the endless pain, you are too busy, no one plays with me, I don't even have a proper desk in this house. Right now I'm writing down all this on a tilted table.

I just can't make up my mind to leave because I will miss you.

You never know me, everything I said to you ended up no solutions, no help, so I don't bother to expose all my happiness and sadness to you, but then you got piss off.

The place and people I thought I should leave for good turns out to be the things I miss the most. Is it that difficult for you to catch my emotions? Or you just don't care about it at all...

The laughter stings me, I'm just here, alone. You don't really need me

date:06/11/2026

So yeah...finally we discussed it openly, I'm not sure if I should tell you guys about it here...you know that the world is weird, sometimes it gives you a littie sweetness of hope which makes you think that everything is getting better just for you, but soon it turns out to be just a joke, a game the universe plays with you just because it's bored.

But please, please spare me this time, I just need 3 more months until I can finally settle down, I can finally have my own happiness and just live for myself.